4 Steps to Healthy Communication

                               Faulty communication is the main reason couples break up.

 

Even when we think
we have expressed ourselves, what we mean to say often gets lost in how we say it.
Speaking in vague, sweeping generalities, simply venting our emotions, or just
plain nagging does not work.

Communication needs to be direct and to the point, stating how you feel, what you
want, asking for a commitment to give it to you, and letting the person know what
will happen if they don’t. Below is the 4 Steps to Healthy Communication.

1. Express yourself: "I feel [a specific emotion] whenever you [specify exactly what he does].

"Say how you feel, and identify who and what makes you feel that way. Own the
feeling and be specific (do not say, "You make me so angry"), and don't attack
(never say, "You're selfish"). Ideally, your communication would Look like this, "I feel
angry when you ask me to change my plans to accommodate yours."

2. State what you want: "I want [a specific behavior]."

When you state exactly what you want, you avoid the Dumb Mistake of expecting
your mate to read your mind. Statements along the lines of "I want you to spend
more time with me doing the things that I enjoy," "I want you to phone me when you
think you will be late for dinner," or "I want us to have sex more often."

3. Ask for a commitment: "Will you {give me what I want—be even more specific}'"

This is the only way to find out whether he has heard you and whether he intends to
consider or comply with your request. "Will you spend more time going to places
that I want to go, such as my office party next Friday night?" "Will you phone me
next time you know you will be late?" and "Will you have sex with me tonight?" are
specific, to the point, and should yield a clear yes or no.

4. Tell him what the consequences of not giving you what you want are: "If not, I will [state specifically what you will do]."

This step tells him you are serious about your request. You might say, "If you won't
spend more time with me doing things I like to do, I will make plans to spend that
time with other people"; "If you don't call when you are late, I will assume you are not
coming and will make other plans"; or "If you don't want to commit yourself to having
a better sex life with me, I will leave this relationship and find someone else who
does." If you really want to get what you want, you must have a plan to cover what
you will do if you don't get it.